Day 100 – but not the kind to be celebrated

Today marks 100 days and nights of being in hospital and away from the family since Jacobs diagnosis on the first day of summer. Away from everything I knew that was normal. Today also marks 60 days consecutively of being away since Jacobs amputation. Many people celebrate day 100 of something. 100 days clean of a bad habit. 100 days until a wedding day. “100 Day” for grade 1. This, however, is nothing to be celebrated. The time away from the family and in hospital has been much more than we anticipated. I miss normal. I miss my boys. I miss Ray. I miss my friends, my home, my pets, church, being involved in the kids schooling, helping on the farm, visiting and caring for other people. So much has been taken from us. While I can truly say we have maintained staying happy and positive through the last 6 months, today I don’t feel that. I feel numb. I feel worn out. Almost emotionless. I’ve built so many walls to protect myself from the pain of all the losses, and am only focussed on helping Jacob get better, helping him beat this ugly monster, helping him through all the horrible side effects. Today, day 100, I’m allowing myself to process some of the losses and some of the pain, and all I feel is sadness.

The last couple weeks have had many ups and downs. A huge highlight was the Canuck game last Monday night – the kick off game to Hockey Fights Cancer, where Jacob had the amazing opportunity to drop the ceremonial puck, wheelie style. It was overwhelming and incredible. The standing ovation for Jacob was so heart warming and I was bursting inside with pride for how strong and accepting and determined Jacob has been. We had 34 tickets in the Legends Suite, so many of our family and friends were able to share in the experience with us, as well as many friends, nurses, and doctors we know in the crowd. Our family was taken down to the locker room to meet the Canucks after the game. It truly was a remarkable night.

Jacob and I are living at Ronald MacDonald House in-between hospital stays for chemo because his wound is still open in 3 areas, his immune system is not functioning, and we have daily appointments at the hospital. There are many people we’ve come to love at the house. I’ve been called “the most social person there, by far” by many of the staff and residents. While there is joy in this, it also comes with sadness. Dear friends of ours learned this past week that their daughters cancer has relapsed, and is ” treatable, but not cure-able”. There is a heavy weight on my heart, for them, and for the fear of the unknown with Jacob, knowing this cancer is so aggressive and also has a high relapse rate.

We are currently in hospital now, 3 days post chemo. Many of you have read already that Jacob had toxic levels of the chemo in his bloodstream. The chemo was too much for his kidneys, and his kidneys stopped processing it, leading to a large build up in his blood stream and cells all over his body. A rescue med was flown in and given early this morning as an antidote to methotrexate toxicity, which thankfully came quickly because Jacob was in a life threatening situation. This medication rapidly binds to the chemo and expels it from the blood stream. We are working now to get the rest of his body cleared with high doses of another rescue medication, and hyper hydration. Jacobs kidneys have taken a hit, levels of creatinine are too high – indicating they’ve sustained damage- and his blood pressure is way too high. The hope is that the rescue meds were given soon enough so that there will be a reversal of the organ damage. Jacob is supposed to receive this chemo again next Monday, but doctors are working to figure out a plan as his kidneys won’t be able to tolerate the next dose by Monday. For now, we sit and wait for all the chemo to be cleared from Jacobs system, and wait to see if kidney function returns to normal.

Thank you to each one of you who has carried us in some way. For your love ,your texts, your visits, meals for the family at home…and above all, your prayers, because there are many days when the words just are not there….thank you, thank you, thank you. 💜

Romans 8:26-28  “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

https://g.co/kgs/ETT7Bj

Worn. Tenth Avenue North

I’m tired
I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I’m worn
I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I’m too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn
And my prayers are wearing thin
I’m worn even before the day begins
I’m worn I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn so heaven so come and flood my eyes

11 thoughts on “Day 100 – but not the kind to be celebrated”

  1. Jacob and Tracy (and the whole family), our heart goes out to you, our prayers ascend daily before God’s throne of mercy. Though we have not had your experience, Tracy, we try to feel it and share it. We feel powerless and weak. You quoted from Romans, Paul also reminds us in 2 Corinthians, that Christ is made powerful in weakness, also our weakness. Commit yourselves to Jesus Christ (as I know you do!), pray without ceasing (as I know you do!), trust without hesitation (as I know you do!) Your witness together with Jacob is known to all involved in your trials.

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  2. Many prayers continue for you all. May the Lord give you strength and peace as you travel this difficult road. He will carry you when you falter.

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  3. We miss you! We miss your life before this. For ourselves but mostly for you & Ray. We can only imagine how hard it must be. We pray daily for strength for all of you & healing for Jacob.
    – Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest – Matthew 11:28
    Always in our hearts, on our minds & in our prayer. ❤

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  4. Know that when you feel too numb to pray, many are praying for you and with you. Above all, the Spirit intercedes on your behalf when you can’t find the words even to call out to your Father in heaven.

    This psalmist, thousands of years ago, knew something of what you are feeling.

    Lord, you are the God who saves me;
    day and night I cry out to you.
    2 May my prayer come before you;
    turn your ear to my cry.

    3 I am overwhelmed with troubles
    and my life draws near to death.
    4 I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
    I am like one without strength.

    https://www.ibelieve.com/faith/how-you-can-find-hope-from-the-darkest-psalm-psalm-88.html

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  5. Dear Tracy, Raymond, Jacob and the boys.
    I cry each time I read your post but especially this last one. Don’t ever give up Tracy!! Our prayers are with you daily. What a struggle for Jacob and all of you. Yes, be mad, get it out. It’s not fair, life isn’t. But still cling to hope. God bless!! Corrie

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  6. We will continue to pray. Our heart goes out to u all. Thankyou for your brave updates. Keep Pushing on my dear. Sending hugs to Jacob you and Ray and family. May you all receive strength ever moment of everyday. ❤❤❤

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  7. Thank you Tracy for the courage to in form so many of us,I cannot imagine were you all go through our Hart’s ache but we lift you all up daily in our prayers for our Gracious God is with you from day today.with christian love the Le Grands.

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  8. Dear Bredenhof family,
    My heart aches for you. May God give you peace beyond understanding. I will continue to pray for all of you.

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  9. Today, for the first time I read your blog post to my daughter Alyssa (16). She wants to say hi to Jacob and to wish him strength and to let him know that we are praying for him all the way over here. Losing our oldest daughter…. Alyssa and Edens sister has been very very hard…but your journey is beyond difficult and we can tell you that God will carry you through the most difficult moments.
    Much Love
    Julie Brouwer
    Leon, Alyssa and Eden

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