Category 5 Hurricane

In a recent conversation with someone, I was asked how I can cope “so well” through all of this, how am I not breaking and falling apart etc. As I tried to think of ways to describe how, a major storm came to mind. You know it’s coming, there’s warnings. So you batten down the hatches. I feel like that’s what I’ve done for myself mentally. I’ve boarded up the windows and doors and am prepared for the torrential rain and devastating winds that just keep hammering. All my focus is on survival. No outside influences are able to change that focus. Every ounce of energy in me goes to making sure this storm doesn’t destroy us, doesn’t break us, doing everything possible to protect Jacob and get him through this seemingly endless cyclone of events.

Jacob is one month post amputation now. Chemo started again on Thursday. This cycle has been especially hard after everything Jacob has just been through. It rips me apart inside saying to him that only weeks after losing his leg, that this is a good thing for him. After the last 2 weeks of working him so hard to gain strength and mobility back, watching him smile and laugh and exert all his energy with so much determination despite the pain – to filling his body with toxins only to weaken him to the point of being unable to stand, unable to eat and drink, and most of the time to even speak, is really, really tough. Jacob continues to have no appetite since the surgery. My guess is that the feeding tube will remain for a good length of time now. It does make giving some of his medications much easier and takes a bit of stress off of him knowing he doesn’t have to put any energy into trying to get food down. Even water has become unappealing to him. Within hours of the chemo beginning, mouth sores began which makes eating and drinking even more challenging. As always, we can only take this hour by hour, minute by minute.

On Wednesday we got to see the X-ray of Jacob’s leg. He has 12 screws along a plate that runs the entire length of the leg now. The fibula was purposely broken at the top to fit. The top of his femur and the tibia are held together by the hardware. The bones will not fuse until after chemo is done. Until then, Jacob can bear no weight on his leg in any way. We are mentally prepping for up to a year before healing takes place and we can start the heavy rehabilitation into a prosthetic leg. While the X-ray looks pretty crazy, it is so so amazing to see his leg with no massive, ugly tumour. I don’t see screws and plates, I don’t see a “little backwards leg”. I see a cancer free leg. An opportunity to live. To run and jump and play sports. To chase his brothers and shoot hoops and be the farm kid he wants to be so badly. I see a beautiful leg.Jacob is finished now with the chemo drug Cisplatin. He had his last 2 bags put in and is now at his “lifetime dose”. This is partly scary and partly really great. Scary because we know it kills the cancer cells very well and he can never use it again if needed. Really great because it is the hardest drug given in this protocol. He is currently on 17 different medications, most of which help him through the side effects of the Cisplatin. It’s been 31 days now since Jacob and I have been home. It’s hard to say when home will happen. We may end up back at Ronald Macdonald House after he is discharged from the hospital because he still cannot use a toilet, and we are unsure if he’s able to sit in a vehicle yet to get him home. The incision around his upper leg is still a concern as well so that needs close monitoring.

Evan spent a week with Jacob and I at RMH which was so so good for him. And for me. He struggles the most by far. It was such a joy to not hear him crying on the phone daily, or saying goodbye to him and watching him sob as Ray drives away from the hospital.

Thank you for the continued prayers, which we know are being prayed all over the world for Jacob, as we ride out the category 5 storm we are in.

Praise You In This Storm

Casting Crowns

I was sure by now, God you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away,
Stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
That it’s still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear your whisper through the rain
I’m with you
And as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
The God who gives and takes away
And I’ll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
That you are who you are
No matter where I am
And every tear I’ve cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone how can I carry on
If I can’t find you
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
I’m with you
And as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
The God who gives and takes away
And I’ll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
That you are who you are
No matter where I am
And every tear I’ve cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm

9 thoughts on “Category 5 Hurricane”

  1. Ah Tracey, a category 5 storm is a good description of what you and Jacob are going through. The good thing about a storm is that they don’t last forever, and after the storm comes calm. You are both living witnesses of God’s strength in you. You cannot hold yourself together or do anything to make it better, except through Christ who infuses you with strength for each day. May your face be ever turned towards the Son.
    Philippians 4:13.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanking God that the prayers for strength for all of you are being answered! Saw your family for 1 second on the news! Praying God continues to uphold you all!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I am a stranger, but I have been following your family journey. My tears are really an offering of strength and courage through this epic storm. I am in awe through every word you share.
    Jacob, you are my hero, truly and honestly. I don’t know you but I wish I did.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Tracey, I’ve been following your blog as Katherine shares it on FB. Your faith in God and strength in His promises are so admirable. I pray for Jacob regularly. May God grant complete healing and may you continue to praise Him even in this storm. And know that on the days when you are too tired to praise or pray that others are doing it for you. You are doing amazing and Jacob’s strength during this is humbling. Grace and peace to all of you.
    Shannon de Jong

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh my goodness… I am sending so many prayers you way, and may God bless over your family during this difficult journey. Jacob is so incredibly strong, and he is a superhero in this whirlwind. I have faith that he will overcome this, and I know that he will be playing sports with his younger brothers again very soon. 🙂 Even though this blogging community might not know him personally, we are all cheering for him and supporting him every step of the way. He is never alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Your analogy of a Category 5 storm and Jacob’s fight ( and your families fight) is excellent. We, and countless others will do our part to board up the windows and doors through prayer and encouragement. We love you all.

    Fritz and Corrie

    Like

  6. We are praying so hard. I miss you guys a lot and I wish I could be there with you to encourage you and remind that God is ALWAYS there for you. No matter what.

    Like

  7. We pray for all of you. For strength and guidance on this hard road. And think of it, Gods promises are like the stars, the darker the nights the clearer they shine. With love from Australia.

    Like

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